I've been thinking that people don't know how valuable they are. In particular I thought of my new therapist today, who perhaps is feeling that she isn't of great help to me when she has been invaluable, and I take her suggestions seriously and find them very helpful. I did a caricature of her a couple of weeks ago and gave it to her last week and she didn't recognize herself. I'm not tooting my own horn but it looks like her. She commented that it looked "cute" and I thought, well, you ARE rather a cute small lady, and she apparently doesn't see herself that way. The same with my sister, who gave me hell earlier this year and I turned myself around because of it, although I didn't like it at the time (living in the past, doing stupid things, etc.) and my daughter, also, who tried at one time to communicate with me when I was stuck in my unreal worlds and unable to reach out to sanity. My wonderful son Steve who has been a constant source of comfort and support, my son Ward who has never turned against me no matter what dark secrets I divulge, and my friends who have stuck with me loyally and sometimes vociferously in favor of my position when it wasn't really warranted, I know that! So many people, the volunteer worker at the charity, the lady I volunteered with, even my lawyer and the people I've had contact with due to the court case, all have been very helpful and supportive when I've needed it and indeed at this point in time I deserved it because I've changed. I guess I'm at a stage in my life now where I'm reaching out more and can accept the help. I'm not at war with God and the world anymore. And I realize some of my former mentors and counselors were simply all too human, not my saviors at all, and indeed looking to me to be strong when they were unable. I'm strong now, always have been strong, but often have been wrong.
I'm trying to work the world the way it's presented to me, to take this lifestyle seriously, but not earnestly, simply to work it in every way the best possible way I can do so, and to have fun at the same time as it's not to be taken seriously in that way...it's not a game, though, and although this world may be an illusion, it's reality for me, and God gives me challenges and opportunities that I may make the best of them, and I will! It's an illusion in a way and in another way it's a testing ground. I've found Judi's quotes from Deepak Choprah fascinating and very helpful, but deep -- I confess to sometimes not understanding him altogether but get the gist that it's the path I'm on right now, and converges from Christianity but still is the Truth. And the sheep know their Master's voice, whether it be in another language or another country or another realm of experience, I know my Master's voice.
I've also learned to substitute an obsession with focusing on reality and the many people in my life, to try to see myself and the world from their point of view if possible, to put aside my own selfishness, and to think of random acts of kindness or gifts that don't cost monetarily but could be meaningful. I may never know if they are, but I'm a happier and more fulfilled person because of it. And a person I leaned on for years is free. That was my heartfelt wish for most of the last 35 years and it's finally come true because my family, editors, friends, therapists, lawyers, and God almighty himself have given me love and guidance that are like golden apples in a frame of silver, that precious to me, and I am rich beyond imagining.
Thank you.
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