Introduction

Hi, there. Thanks for visiting. I'm starting this blog as an advocate for mental and physical health. I'm a freelance writer and also own a home based medical transcription business. I was diagnosed in 1978 with paranoid schizophrenia and started to become acutely ill three years prior to that, unmedicated, frightened, confused, and in trouble with the law. I graduated from university with distinction the year I became ill. I've never regretted learning how to think at university. I struggled with my illness for 35 years and have reached the top of the mountain now, I think, or the other side, where the grass is greener and the path easier. There's hope for all of us, the whole human race, and never think there isn't hope or joy no matter your circumstances. I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences with mental illness in all its forms: depression, brain injury, autism, schizophrenia, bipolar, anxiety disorders, etc. and your positive experiences as well as those lies and half truths society and even therapists would have us believe about ourselves.

We are different folks, and we are beautiful. The whole human race is beautiful. Let's celebrate life.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

SERENADE

The Highwayman a poem by Alfred Noyes




The Highwayman

The wind was a torrent of darkness upon the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight looping the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding
Riding riding
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door.

He'd a French cocked hat on his forehead, and a bunch of lace at his chin;
He'd a coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of fine doe-skin.
They fitted with never a wrinkle; his boots were up to his thigh!
And he rode with a jeweled twinkle
His rapier hilt a-twinkle
His pistol butts a-twinkle, under the jeweled sky.

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
He tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred,
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter
Bess, the landlord's daughter
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

Dark in the dark old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
Where Tim, the ostler listened--his face was white and peaked
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
But he loved the landlord's daughter
The landlord's black-eyed daughter;
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say:

"One kiss, my bonny sweetheart; I'm after a prize tonight,
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light.
Yet if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
Then look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

He stood upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair in the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the sweet black waves of perfume came tumbling o'er his breast,
Then he kissed its waves in the moonlight
(O sweet black waves in the moonlight!),
And he tugged at his reins in the moonlight, and galloped away to the west.

He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon.
And out of the tawny sunset, before the rise of the moon,
When the road was a gypsy's ribbon over the purple moor,
The redcoat troops came marching
Marching marching
King George's men came marching, up to the old inn-door.

They said no word to the landlord; they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed.
Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets by their side;
There was Death at every window,
And Hell at one dark window,
For Bess could see, through her casement, the road that he would ride.

They had bound her up at attention, with many a sniggering jest!
They had tied a rifle beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
"Now keep good watch!" and they kissed her. She heard the dead man say,
"Look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though Hell should bar the way."

She twisted her hands behind her, but all the knots held good!
She writhed her hands till her fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like years,
Till, on the stroke of midnight,
Cold on the stroke of midnight,
The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

The tip of one finger touched it, she strove no more for the rest;
Up, she stood up at attention, with the barrel beneath her breast.
She would not risk their hearing, she would not strive again,
For the road lay bare in the moonlight,
Blank and bare in the moonlight,
And the blood in her veins, in the moonlight, throbbed to her love's refrain.

Tlot tlot, tlot tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hooves, ringing clear;
Tlot tlot, tlot tlot, in the distance! Were they deaf that they did not hear?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
The highwayman came riding
Riding riding
The redcoats looked to their priming! She stood up straight and still.

Tlot tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot tlot, in the echoing night!
Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
Her eyes grew wide for a moment, she drew one last deep breath,
Then her finger moved in the moonlight
Her musket shattered the moonlight
Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him with her death.

He turned, he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood
Bowed, with her head o'er the casement, drenched in her own red blood!
Not till the dawn did he hear it, and his face grew grey to hear
How Bess, the landlord's daughter,
The landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
Blood-red were his spurs in the golden noon, wine-red was his velvet coat
When they shot him down in the highway,
Down like a dog in the highway,
And he lay in his blood in the highway, with the bunch of lace at his throat.

And still on a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a gypsy's ribbon looping the purple moor,
The highwayman comes riding
Riding riding
The highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard,
He taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred,
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter
Bess, the landlord's daughter
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair

The Blarney Stone

"I'll tell you of more, and lie...so you will come."
Catullus

Why? Isn't the truth enough?

Here we must consider authenticity.

One is not authentic but is looking for companionship or a relationship. So one is starving and refusing food. It makes just as much sense.

There are many things left unsaid here, many issues that Catullus in spinning his web for his visitor perhaps didn't consider. Those who kiss the Blarney Stone must first put themselves in a very precarious position. Is Catullus terrified that the trust he placed in his companion's hands will not be vindicated? There's hope here, swinging from the lie, and faith.

If love is strong enough then Catullus was not only right but very clever. It comes down to discernment at the end. Not desperate but a game.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

The Rose and the Giants

I'm reading a book about a man's recovery from SZ. It's called The Day the Voices Stopped, by Ken Steele. He went on to become a strong advocate for those with mental illness in the US and was awarded at least one prestigious honor. He was instrumental in getting the vote in the USA for mentally ill people. I'm very fortunate I have never heard voices. That must be very frightening. I've never thought of it, but according to Ken Steele, 1 out of 13 schizophrenics commit suicide, and it just occurred to me after starting this book that it's because their voices tell them to kill themselves and how. His voices continually told him to die and gave him detailed instructions how to kill himself from the age of 14. He doesn't blame his parents although they appear to have been unsupportive. Neither do I blame mine. They did the best they could.

Ken Steele died of a heart attack in 2000.

This yellow rose (exuberance and joy) is for all the Roses in my life who supplied me with both beauty to make me caring, and thorns to make me strong.
I would give only the daintiest miniature chocolates dusted lightly with confectioner's sugar to the men who supported me and who supported those I love. You all know who you are.

And a basket of nuts complete with fragments of shell to all of you who believed in me but thought my path through the Forest of Crazy had to echo Pilgrim's Progress.

It was more like the Man of La Mancha. Unfortunately, the giants were real. Sort of. If I take this lifestyle seriously, teacher, does that preclude moments of play?

Monday, February 28, 2011

No Woman is an Island

I very much want to make some changes in my life and carve out a new destiny for myself now that the sentencing is over and I can move on knowing what I have to deal with. I'll never do it again, and in order to be able to determine that I must have help. I'll be seeing a new psych at FACS and am delighted. I'm going to lay on her a lot of the load to sort out, which I haven't been able to do so far. Come a long way, baby, but not far enough. It occurred to me only yesterday that I don't have to do it all myself. Nor am I alone.

I struggled for most of my life without a lot of support thinking I was the Lone Ranger or something. It was hard and I must say impossible to make total progress without blood, sweat and tears over a very long period of time.

I don't have to do it all myself.

I'm not alone.

I'm not talking about only the psych, either, but all with whom I come into contact with. Including the instruction I'm embarking on in the Catholic church. I've been searching for a spiritual community for so many years and didn't find it. Now I think I've found it. It'll take a year or more before I'm ready for any kind of decision but I've found a church that allows me to question and think for myself, and I'm delighted with that, too.

Everything is falling into place finally and I think I just wasn't ready before.

When the student's ready the teacher will appear.

How different the last 35 years would have been had I known then what I know now! And been able to apply it.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Welcome, Beautiful Littlewolf; a question

We're welcoming another follower, folks, and I'm delighted. There's no need to get involved, R., just hang around until you get your feet wet and then dive in with a comment if you like. I feel really stupid because I told my new friend there was something wrong with her blog. Just me trying something new. Note to self: don't try something new and tell anybody about it! I'll just embarrass myself.

I ordered a turquoise and pearl choker today, a lovely set for $12 from Sue's Etsy account. She sure makes beautiful jewelry and at a very reasonable price, too, for anyone who's interested. Just click on "The Bramble Patch" and she'll tell you all about it. Sue is a rocket surgeon by day (or something very similar...???) and a part-time artiste by night. If anyone wants a link to her Etsy jewelry I'll provide it. She's much too modest. Look for the link on "My Favorite Sites" to the right of this post.

That brings up the question of adorning oneself. It seems to be endemic in humanity including both men and women to adorn ourselves, rather with tattoos, extravagant hairstyles, colored tees, nose rings, jewelry of all sorts...look at any nation or tribe in the world and you'll see a wealth of adornment and color. Even mutilation like piercing, ear lobe elongation, or binding feet was meant for beauty. What is it in the human race that creates this need for adornment and beauty? Also music - percussion in particular, chanting and singing with the human voice - seems to be a common thread running through our different cultures. I've read somewhere that ball and stick games have existed throughout history in all different cultures and centuries. The string game we used to call "cat's cradle" on one's hands is also played in all cultures, no matter how isolated. Are we hard wired for beauty and recreation?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

House of Happy

"Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly"

Everything's fine here in the House of Happy. I'm going to be doing community service work in the area I chose and am co-authoring a book with someone who also has schizophrenia. I've written 62 pages so far. It's going to be a fairly small book but full of good stuff - I hope.

This is the year of relationships and forging a new career. I'm slowly making new friends - good people, and letting go of what and who isn't so good. Paying more attention to old friends and family, and enjoying their journey, too.

Writing more articles, several on SZ, and the book is about those challenges, too. I know many people who have secrets. Can't say I have now but I can be discrete. I've learned to tap dance on the stage of life.

This iris is for Heart's Day for all my good friends and followers. And especially those of you who struggle as I have with SZ or any other mental disability. Not a handicap. A disability.

The iris is the emblem of the Schizophrenia Society of Canada.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

The Forest of Crazy

I love Sue's comment about "The Forest of Crazy". I learn a lot from my friends and family. And I'm going to learn more from a new psych the court has appointed for me. I'm thrilled that I'll be getting the help I need. Any charity or organization or business that doesn't want me perhaps doesn't understand. I had no criminal record until now, and it's nonviolent and because of delusions and obsessions as a result of chronic SZ over the past 36 years.

Someone believed in me enough at one time 36 years ago in 1975 to call her friend and get counseling for me, which went on for three years until I became so enmeshed and lost in the Forest of Crazy that I scared the pants off her and probably my psychologist, too. No coincidence perhaps that happened after three years of counseling. I probably terrified my friends two years ago that I couldn't do it this time, I couldn't get well, I couldn't see reason. Well, haha, SZ and all the demons in hell, we won! The court and the complainant and I, we all won, and that is not necessary to win, but it means health for me and satisfaction for the legal system. I'm on three years probation. What does that mean? I have a few restrictions that are good for me and good for the legal system. We have a wonderful government.

I believe in the humanity of man and woman. And I'm glad the case is over. Now I can breath and get on with my life. And I will. Anyone care to join me in this new game and adventure called life? Yes, there is life after almost death. This disease almost killed me. And I'm so grateful it's over. The end of something is the beginning of something else. Hello, friends and hello, world. Three close friends and my son were in the courtroom with me. I won't let anybody down again. Ever.