Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Disorder?

My poem "The Psychiatrist" was published this week in the provincial newsletter of the Schizophrenia Society of Alberta, the first issue for the provincial society and not just the Edmonton branch. Also three of my photos were featured, I note, although they didn't give me credit for them (that's okay, I submitted them to the Branch for their use after a BBQ this summer).

Writing is one of the few vocations where people don't look at you strangely if you say you're not paid, haha, but I still am waiting to hear about my book on SZ I co-authored with Austin Mardon and sent to a publisher a few weeks ago. It's called The Insanity Machine and watch for it because I'm sure it'll be published eventually. There's another one called The Jive Hive that's being reviewed by some middle readers as that's the market for that book, not about SZ at all, a SF/fantasy. I'd like to get a short story published, too. So far good luck with articles and poetry although haven't been paid for poetry.

I'd love to talk to an old friend of mine to whom I caused a great deal of grief in my crazy days. I had a dream last night that I was explaining to her the progress of my illness and it was comforting to me to at last be able to articulate and also of course, if it weren't a dream of my own making, I'd hear her side of it. Nothing can be done but patience in the case of a serious breakdown like I had 20 years ago, but apparently OCD had a lot to do with my behavior, and that makes a lot of sense now.

I also wonder, as I've wondered before, if I truly am SZ or if I'm multiple personality disorder or what they call dissociative something or other now? A friend mistakenly thought the book "Sybil" indicated that one of Sybil's personalities was SZ, and it wasn't, but perhaps one of mine was or is? And it's something I want to discuss with my excellent psych so I think I'll make an appointment tomorrow to see her at the end of the month if I can. If I'm patient everything may fall into place and I seem to make new inroads every week or two with understanding where I've been and where I may be going.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed with transcription work but surely that's normal considering the amount of work I have to do keeping up the writing end of my career, the fact that I'm older and perhaps slower now, and also I've been transcribing for many years and maybe just maybe am a little tired of the focus and repetition necessary. People who envy entrepreneurs who work at  home don't understand the discipline and cost needed. Emotional cost as well as financial, as I get paid only for the hours or minutes I actually work, and of course there's no vacation time or sick leave, and any time I take time off is time away from a paycheque. It never fails to amaze me how many people think it's easy and take a few months instruction then plan to make their fortune, I presume. 

Back to multiple personalities, I broached the subject with my psych way back in the 1980s and he didn't comment, just asked me if I had a name for my personalities and I said yes, one was The Buccaneer (a rather nasty individual) and the other gentle soul was named Mary. But my psych didn't pursue it nor did he comment further, and I just thought of it the other morning after I'd had the dream in which it was brought up again.


I understand that Dissociative Disorder is brought about by traumatic events in one's childhood so that the child tries to protect herself by isolating her personality that is being abused inwards and allowing another persona to take the brunt of the abuse. That's what I understand, if I'm explaining it properly. It results in a split. That could very well have happened. The theory is not accepted by every expert in the field and some say there's no such thing as Dissociate Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder. I'm not sure if it's present in every culture but I've read that it's more prevalent in North America. It might be a case of over diagnosis.

Like autumn leaves

Voices, calling and laughing, were carried on the wind like fall leaves.

I got a call today from someone at the Schizophrenia Society here in Edmonton. He was calling me back about a call I made a week or two ago asking about advocacy. He left a message as I was away from the phone when he called. Austin Mardon, an advocate with schizophrenia whom I've mentioned here before (see link at side) told me I was an advocate just by being well and being open about my illness.

Certainly I'm well now, happy, and yesterday was a special day. I had a visitor who brought me small but significant gifts, and stayed for tea, and we chatted for two hours mainly about a different culture. Very interesting and a gracious lady.

I'm trying to be more clever in my words. My children are very clever. They write well and they both have a unique and charming sense of humor. They're smarter than I am. But I can train my brain. I've done so already to a certain extent. I've put a hold at the public library on The Brain That Changes Itself. A friend sent me a link to a radio broadcast featuring Dr. Norman Doidge, the author of that book. She suggested it may be a reference I could use in an article.

I'm going to try and get a fantasy novel published. So far I've concentrated on a mainstream novel, the first I wrote many years ago, and I may be more successful with a genre such as fantasy. I'll try to hone my inquiry letter and synopsis so they're acceptable and will try to send out inquiries myself. An editor who is a friend suggested I buy a copy of the 2011 Writer's Market and I'll do that. First I must do my homework and write an excellent letter and synopsis with what I've learned from hiring professional help to do so with my first book. I'll save money if I can find an agent myself rather than hire someone else to send out my inquiries. The friend said that it's as much work sometimes to get a book published as it is to write the darn thing. The book I'm trying to find an agent for is called Thunder and a Nest in Time. It's a time travel book involving the destruction of the earth at the end. Was fun to write.

Another friend is editing my most recent novel, which also is a fantasy. But she likes Thunder best, so I'll take her advice and work on trying to get that published. I think I'll stop writing books until I can get them published or at least find an agent for them.

I won't quit my day job just yet.

Back to why this month is special. October is a birthday month for two of my family including myself, at least two friends, and someone who was 70 yesterday. One of my friends is going to be 90 in a few days and she is on her way to Ontario to visit her son and his family. She does aquafit when the nearby pool is open and she tries to walk every day, although she uses a walker now since a car accident earlier this year. My other friend's birthday is a day before mine at the end of the month. An American couple we're close to who live in Nebraska have an anniversary the day after my birthday. And there are two birthdays in November, making fall a very busy season to send out cards and help celebrate. Of course, Canadian Thanksgiving is next Monday, too.

Like autumn leaves my thoughts are fluttering about my little pulsating brain tonight, tired but satisfied after a day in which I accomplished minor goals.

There are more major goals to set in place this month as well. Two of them my friends and family know, and there are more I've set myself.

I've had articles, poetry, and a play published, but my novels have not been published nor can I find an agent for them. I know they're good. I've been told they're good. I haven't tried until last year to attempt to find a publisher. I won't self publish. I can't afford it and I'm not prepared to fail at marketing them.

What motivates a person to persevere with a goal that seems elusive? I would say my motivation is stubbornness, but that's not a motivation. It's perseverance but that's not motivation.

I would say my motivation is love.

Without which I am a clanging gong, or the wind blowing through empty branches.