I went to court today and something may be resolved. I was accused of criminal harassment in April 2009 but dating back to 35 years ago when I first became ill, and I insisted I was not guilty but when I heard the complainant is in fragile or frail health, I immediately changed my plea to guilty to spare her the trauma of appearing in court. I go back to court on December 21st. First I'll get a psych assessment and pre sentence report in the meantime. My lawyer commented I'm more centered and more at peace than she's ever seen me. That's true. I think this is good. But it's been a long time coming, to come to terms with a delusion and obsession, and sitting in the courtroom today I thought, I've lived in fear of discovery all these years and it's an illness. I never meant to hurt anyone. But I'm responsible and I did the right thing at last, although I've never done the right thing before.
I also got in touch with the pastor of a church I battled with recently, although we've made our peace, and there's a reason I hung on so tenaciously to that pastor and that church, too. It's a church for broken people.
And I'm getting more involved in my 12 step program. I went to a meeting tonight and volunteered to chair the meeting in October.
The next four months will be interesting.
This is the end of something and the beginning of something else. I will never again try to keep secrets, nor will I hurt anyone. I will let this woman go and I will never again think anyone is trying to control me or be exploitative towards me, because it isn't true. And if I don't like someone I will let them be and perhaps I'll find out I like them after all.
So that's the story.
It's good because it's turned more than one life around this past year.
I'll be 66 in October. I may have another 20 or 30 years to live and I want to live them well, and be able to play off the stage of my own limited life so I see that other people live and breath beyond my little scope. It's not all about me and that's very freeing. But in another way, it's the discovery of myself as an adult and not an infant reacting to a world that is but dimly understood beyond her own needs.
The Hound of Heaven pursued me and if you don't understand the context of that comment please google "Hound of Heaven" and read the poem.
Thanks, Sue, your comments on Tuesday were well taken. I mention it because I think your comments on that day are particularly important.
You sound like you are a totally different person ("different folk"?) from the one who did those things 35 years ago.
ReplyDeleteCould you ever have foreseen the direction your life has taken?
Is this court thing just to get the conviction/guilty plea/whatever it is off your record? Wouldn't that be marvelous? The "official" world would recognize your sea change. I like that idea a lot.
No, I could never have foreseen this direction, Sue, nor could I ever have foreseen that I could actually become well, and well enough to face down the old demons and win...for I think this is a victory for all concerned. No, the court is a result of an error in judgment in April 2009 when I tried to contact the prof again to resolve the issue. But it appears perhaps it will be off my record if I keep the peace. No guarantees, though. But the "official" world has, I think, recognized the sea change within the last year, not just the last 35 years, Sue. Within the last year. And I'm going to use whatever counseling and therapy and friends and family advice I can possibly muster to make sure it doesn't happen again, and that I am well grounded in reality from now on. I don't ever want to hurt anyone again.
ReplyDeleteThe change in you over the past year is dramatic and wonderful, my friend. I can't wait to see what you'll be like in four months!
ReplyDeleteSincere applause and congratulations for all you've done, are doing and will do to come to terms with and harmonize your past, present and future, dear. Forgive the run-on sentence. You are an outstanding person, and I love you.
It occurred to me that only broken people need a church. A church of unbroken people would be a social club.
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