Starting over

I talked to the very nice volunteer coordinator at the charity today and got most misunderstandings straightened out. They have absolutely no problem with the mental illness but according to their insurance policies there would be an issue with the court case. They thought I have a criminal record. Probably my fault when I posted about the court case I might have made it sound as though I've been found guilty or perhaps you know -- hurt somebody in the past. I didn't. Well, at least I hurt a lot of people emotionally but not really slaughtered anybody or anything to my knowledge. I don't have a criminal record. I discovered today, as a matter of fact, I'm starting over where I left off 35 years ago and should have had the wit and wisdom at the time to follow guidance. I think that's wonderful, that I can start over, and not hurt anyone in the process this time, as I truly love so many really wonderful people that I wouldn't be capable even of hurting anyone now, I think. I'm quite excited about starting over and making a good life for myself, which I have actually anyhow, but it will be better, and my understanding will grow as the therapists talk to me and vice versa. I know that, as I have good therapists now, and am willing and able to work with them. I'm eager to work with them and just know there are many more wonderful epiphanies I haven't yet discovered.

I want to thank everyone -- all my friends, family, and "lurkers" -- who have been so faithful and loyal so far.

Letting go

Judi said,

What do you think this means: "The whole path to love could be described as learning to let go..."? Let go of WHAT? Ourselves, perhaps? That is, our minds and egos and our personal realities?

How does this work in practical terms in our relationships with other people (not dogs)? With God? The Universe?

I recently have interpreted letting go as letting the other person go but perhaps it means our own egos. I certainly think love is not possessive and allowing our egos to become involved suggests possessiveness. Originally, long ago, I thought letting go meant not having anything more to do with the other person, in other words, kicking them out of my life and then waiting for them to come back. Ummmm....

In practical terms it makes for freedom in our relationships with other people. I haven't thought about God and the Universe or how it affects our relationships with those rather ineffable entities, but as far as other people are a reflection of our relationship with God and the Universe (think Allah Ben Abdul and the angel...he loved his fellow man and his name led the list!)...then I think letting go allows the 12 Step saying to be truer for us, "Let go and let God". Maybe some don't understand that but I think a person with addictions perhaps has to learn that in order to stay sober or whatever the addiction of choice may be...the Universe is perhaps easier to understand and comprehend than God, unless we have a small vision of a small God. God and the Universe being somewhat the same.

So letting go IMHO may be necessary for freedom, and freedom of choice as we understand it in Genesis, or "free will"...to understand there are other realities out there besides ours and respect them. Certainly letting go implies respect for the other person, too. And also I'm thinking of vitriolic people whom we do have to let go in every sense of the word because otherwise they'll poison us. There's no room for toxic people in a healthy relationship.

It also implies that we can't change other people. We can't even serve as good examples.

I think letting go of one's ego essentially might mean letting go of one's exclusive rights to a single reality.

And that begs the question of the old concept of absolute truths such as Beauty, Truth, etc. that the ancient Greek philosophers held so dear. Is there such a thing as an absolute Truth? As absolute Beauty? I used to think there was. Now I'm not so sure. I think absolute Truth, if there is such a thing, would be God or the Universe, and we'll never find it unless we do let go of our own egos and our own limited realities.

I might talk about this some more with my friends, but I know certain fundamentalists believe in their version of the Truth and no one else's. That's scary and again begs the question, are these toxic people? Or simply very selfish? I've tended recently to think of them as toxic and avoided them, but I might try to open a dialogue with some of them about it and find out for myself. After all, my own version of reality could use some alternate universes, as well. And an alternate universe may very well be simply an alternate reality.

Deepak Choprah

"In practical terms surrender means letting go. Although you don’t realize it, reality isn’t a given. Each of us inhabits a separate reality. Your mind maintains your personal version of reality by buttressing it with beliefs, expectations, and interpretations. Your mind blocks the free flow of the life force by saying, “This is how things must and should be.” Letting go releases you from this insistent grip, and when you let go, new forms of reality can enter.

You only have to take a ride on a roller coaster to see who gets more enjoyment out of the experience–those who clutch tight with white knuckles and clenched jaws or those who let go and allow themselves to be carried up and down without resistance.

Letting go is a process. You have to know when to apply it, what to let go of, and how to let go. Your mind is not going to show you any of these things; worse still, your ego is going to try to prevent you from making progress, since it believes that you have to hold on in order to survive. Your only ally in letting go is spirit, which sees reality as a whole and therefore has no need to create partial realities based on limitation.

The whole path to love could be described as learning to let go, but letting go all at once isn’t possible. This is a path of many small steps. At any given moment the steps are basically the same: Awareness begins to substitute for reactions. A reaction is automatic; it draws upon fixed beliefs and expectations, images of past pain and pleasure residing in memory, waiting to guide you in future situations. Memory has told you, in a fraction of a second, that your reaction to, say, a big dog, should be fear.

Overcoming this or any reaction requires an act of awareness. Awareness doesn’t resist the imprint of memory. It goes into it and questions whether you need it now. In the face of a big dog, awareness tells you that you aren’t a small child anymore and that not all big dogs bite. Being aware of this, you can ask if you need to hold on to fear. Whether you wind up petting the dog, ignoring it, or withdrawing is now a matter of choice. Reactions result in a closed set of options; awareness results in an open set of options.

Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. The past is closed and limited; the future is open and free."

Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997

A thorn tree doesn't bear figs

Do you want to provide others with good memories?

Your children, perhaps, or friends? It's all up to us to carve out that slice of life that leaves good feelings. It's not enough to be right.

"It's more important to be happy than right."

or

"It's more important to be righteous than right."

But I don't like the term "righteous". Reminds me of middle class Christian aphorisms. Being fed pap rather than meat. None of us are "righteous". If we are, it's a negative term.

I love my children to tell me when they have good memories. That's more important to me than gold. And it's important to reframe, I think - I wish I could do that more expertly, and I wish I could advise my loved ones how to do it.

"We haven't all had happy childhoods. But we all have a chance at a second childhood, and our second childhood is up to us."

In regards to my recent past, I've hurt someone. Through this truly dreadful illness, and often while I was unmedicated, I harassed someone who didn't deserve it, and I misinterpreted the situation. I misinterpreted the situation badly because I needed a savior so desperately.

I'm trying for more balance in my articles and poetry, too. And trying to realize in my regular life that I'm not the only player on the stage. Indeed, there's a world beyond the stage.

I'm withdrawing from my volunteer work. I just think it's the right thing to do. I'm still a friend to the lady I volunteered with.

I went to a movie today, "Prince of Persia." Interesting about destiny and lives intersecting. I think that happens, really it does. People have helped me from all walks of life and I've ended up a happy camper, no matter the negative memories from my past. There must have been joyful moments because I'm a happy and positive person and how did I get this way? It's a mystery to me. Must be that old Hound of Heaven pursuing me. It must be caring hearts who surrounded me.

I believe all will be well.

You're known by your fruits.

"A thorn tree doesn't bear figs."

A Fine Line

I'm done now with spectacular disclosures. I think it's wise and prudent to be balanced. For example, no big angst if people know, but it's like having blue eyes or two brothers and a sister, part of me but not necessary to advertise unless it comes up.

I accept and welcome guidance but for some reason my timing is often satisfactory. And I'm in danger of obsessing about ANYTHING given my predilection for extremes. I don't want to obsess about this, any person, a church, my work, illness or lack thereof, past, present or future. I want balance.

So it's a part of me, yes, no secrets, but I'm not going to enter a float in any parade, either.

Where Angels Fear to Tread

You know, for anyone following my blog, I've added a caution not to do what I've done in terms of disclosure without much thought and consultation with wise people. That is, wiser than I am! This is a form of therapy for myself after a lifetime of secrets and living in fear. I'm coming into the sunshine. But I have a lifestyle that can stand censure and scrutiny, I think, and some people could be very badly hurt by doing what I've done. Please don't if you're considering it.

I appreciate the support, and I have received nothing but kindness in my life here in the "real" world, too, but there's going to be times when I'm facing censure, I know that.

If my parents were alive I could never do this to them. If my children were younger and in school I could never do this to them. That in spite of the fact I think it's right. It's right for me, at this time, at this place.

I'm a different person because of it, too. I don't know where it will end. I have faith as a grain of mustard seed. And that's sometimes confused with foolishness. But this is not foolish. This is the right thing at the right time for me.

I'm going to try to find a church community. A church for broken people.

But if you're broken, please find help. Don't disclose first to the world without being on a firm foundation. I sought help first.

That light sure feels good, though! It almost feels like love...

Reasons

I guess before now I couldn't risk censure, and I was too uptight to discuss my dearly held "secrets" for most of my life. That was a dark and scary place to be. It just is the right time now. To everything there is a season, I really believe that, and of course, many other people have skeletons in their closets but just can't risk disclosure. I think it's wise to carefully think it over as I did. In my case this is part of what I believe will lead me into the light out of an emotional prison of my own making. Nobody else did it to me. Nobody else made that prison; constructed those bars; nobody even censured me except for dishonesty and insincerity at one time.

I don't recommend disclosure for everyone. Please don't do as I did without much thought and consultation with wise people. But for myself, after a lifetime of secrets and anguish...

"If you have faith as a grain of mustard seed...nothing shall be impossible to you." Luke 17:20 KJV